I lost a friend...One who I regrettably..Couldn't live without...Her name, Is Eska..The one who I truely loved like no other. I had emotional problems. And I was close to dying so many times. I let everything get the best of me. And I screwed up two close realtionships. My friend, Amber, who I fucked with over and over due to the times she had hurt me, and Eska. A girl who was like no other. I was so distraught in the result. I didn't want to hurt either..But it felt like I was...different then...I was mad at myself. At Amber...And Eska too..So why? Why do I still love Eska? Why does my being yearn to love her? And want to be with her? Why? Am I that much of a screw up, that I can't forget the past? Did she make that much of an impact on me, that she is engraved in my memory?

It doesn't matter now...I've lost them both. And I have no chance of getting either back. And I have less than no chance of getting back together with Eska. Whether she's reading this, is questionable. And I doubt she'll even take a glance. That she won't even realize how much I truely love her...That I still wish to be with her. How much I am hurting. And distraught because of what happened.

They both hurt me. Amber with blaming all her problems on me, and Eska getting on me for stupid things. I admit, I hurt them both. But..Only as a result when I myself am hurt. I want them to realize that.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter a friend killed himself in front of me. It doesn't matter that my life is in turmoil, and my family hates me. It doesn't matter that Eska hates me. I'll gladly give up. And end it all. If that is what Eska wishes...But I will..And always love Eska...No matter what happens..That promise I made to her..May be broken, but I still love her...